Contentment

I had a friend who is in a relationship tell me that she misses "the single life"understandable. She said to me, "you're single and you seem to be happy".  Well happiness is not quite the word I would have used. Its more like content.

Phillipians 4:11

Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have.



I thank God for the peace that passes all understanding. It doesn't look like I should be this happy to be where I am but God has given me a contentment with where I am in life.

Prayer Changes Things

It's been a while since I've blogged on this particular blog, well to be honest its been awhile since I've blogged at all.  Let's just blame it on life, because at the end of the day that's all I've been dealing with.  And with life comes death.  Death will have you questioning everything.  Have you asking all of those questions you thought you had the answers to.

But I'm not hear to talk about that today.  Today I wanna express my thoughts on prayer.  When I first started typing this blog I could hear this song we used to sang at the church I grew up in.  It goes like this:

I know prayer

Changes things

I know prayer

Changes things

 

Well today, I know prayer changes things.  No I didn't win the lottery.  No I didn't get a brand new off the lot car.  In fact nothing that special has happened to me.  But what I have today is a peace of mind.  And that right there, is worth more than anything this world could ever offer me. 

 

I was troubled.  Troubled by loneliness.  It used to bother me night and day.  I mean obviously because I started a whole blog about it.  But God has given me peace with my singleness.  When I know exactly how, when and why He did it I will let you know.  But today I just had to stop by to say that "prayer truly does change things"!

 

God may not change your circumstance and sometimes its not meant for Him to change it.  Sometimes we just have to change.

 

Candace

Happy Father's Day

I guess I was in a certain mood the other day for a certain reason.  I knew father's day was approaching but when I posted my last blog it was not on my mind.   This morning my heart is a little heavy because this world has designated this day to be a day of celebration of fathers and mine is no longer here on earth for me to celebrate.  So instead of this day being a day of celebration for me it is usually a day of mourning.  How can I change that?

I know I had a great dad.  He loved me and he didn't have to tell me for me to know.  He showed it in every way.  He was not a perfect man.  He made mistakes and those mistakes affected the lives of those around him such as me, my brother, and my sister.  I used to be very angry about it.  I even blamed God, but that anger turned to bitterness and then to a sadness every fathers day. 

This year I started this day off with a prayer.  I prayed for a heart of thankfulness.  Instead of lingering on the fact that my dad is no longer here on this earth, I will celebrate the fact that I had an opportunity to have a wonderful father and think about all of the great memories he left me.

That simple prayer has already changed the atmosphere of this day.

I truly love my father and I wish that he was here with me and my family, but for what ever reason God has chosen to take him home to be with him.  I have to believe that God has His reasons and I'm okay with whatever it is. 

In the absence of my earthly father, I have had no choice but to turn to my spiritual father (GOD) for guidance on things I probably would never have done.  I look back and thank God simply for that because my life has turned out for the best.

My kids will never know my father on earth they can only look at pictures and listen to my stories and when their older visit his grave, but my spiritual father they will surely know and I pray they will have an even stronger relationship than I ever have.  That is the greatest inheritance that I can ever leave to them. 

Who Am I.

A question that I asked myself very early in life.  It seems that I have always been looking for something.  Asking questions about life and love and what is the meaning of it all.  And then I met God.  He introduced himself to me at the tender age of 14.  It was a time when I needed him very much.  I lost my father at 12 and things changed in my life.  I had always made good grades in school, after that my grades dropped.  I was never really interested in boys but after that I noticed them.  I was looking for something or someone to fill a void in my life.  An indescribable emptiness that only God could feel.  I remember feeling so sad and then getting so angry at God, wondering why He would take a way a very important person in my life before I ever had the chance to appreciate him.

I used to talk to God through tears telling Him how much I needed my father and his wisdom.  I began to blame all of my failed relationship on the fact that my father was taken out of my life.  But then one day when I stopped talking and actually began to learn how to listen to God he told me that HE was the best father I could ever hope for.  That HE would be the example for me to follow.  And that if I would just follow HIS instruction for my life I would be fine regardless.  That day I was released from chains that the devil had on my life for so many years. 

It is true God is our greatest example.  The bible tells us that men will fail us and to not put our trust in them but to always trust God.  A few years ago I was being interviewed by a reporter about my magazine.  When she heard my thoughts on women and self-esteem and when I told her that my father had passed away when I was very young she said that she was shocked to learn I had turned out the way I did. She began to quote statistics of women and young girls in my situations and how the world says that they will turn out. Well she must not know my GOD because with HIM all things are possible.

I give God all the praise and glory because without HIM I would NOT be who I am today.  God has saved me from so many things.  I am not perfect by far, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that without his wisdom, grace & mercy, and love I would be in a different place in my life.

I Am so many things through God.  I am more than a conqueror.  I am a city that sits upon a hill that cannot be hidden.  I am the light of the world.  I am who God says that I am.

Confidence

CONFIDENCE IS KEY

II Timothy 1:7

For God has NOT given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

 

this is me on the front page of the florida times union metro section...happy times:)



Does fear equal confidence.  If you are afraid of something does that mean you are not confident?  I used to think so until I learned that everyone is afraid of something.  The difference is that not everyone allows their fear to swallow them whole.  So now, I use my fear as a driving force to do what needs to be accomplished.  I have a big project ahead of me.  It is new territory for me so I am afraid.  It's the unknown and I'm sure we all have had monents in our life where we've wondered "what if I fail?"  What if I fall flat on my face?

As a single woman I feel that this is where a good husband would come in handy because he would be a source of encouragement.  That little push over the edge because he would be sure that I will land on my feet.  But I dont have that right now, so like David in the Bible I am on here writing to you, but encouraging myself for the challenges that lay ahead. 

What I feel God wants me to get out of this is this: I am guessing that even when I get married (someday soon God please...lol) there will still be days where I may have to rely soley on God's strength even though I have a husband.  Likewise so will he, but if I learn to depend on God now, rather he (my husband) is there for me or not (mentally, spiritually, emotionally) I will still be fine:)

Candace vs. Candace

"The War Within"



I feel as though I am at war with myself.  The old Candace vs. the re-newed Candace.  I know that God is here with my.  I know that He will never leave me or forsake me.  But the old Candace, doubting, unsure, insecure Candace is still present.  I don't even know if its possible to ever be rid of her.  The old Candace allows loneliness and self-pity take hold in the night.  During the day I can occupy my mind with projects, kids, whatever, its nights that's the hardest to deal with. 

I don't always win this war that I fight daily with myself.  In fact most days I lose, but I still feel like more than a conqueror because no matter how much I want to give up, I feel like that isn't even an option.



So, God I hear you even now telling me that "the battle is not mine, but yours" so even tonight and nights to come I will stand on your word.  I will allow you and your holy spirit to fight my battles because I cannot do it alone.

I am reminded of Peter and how he denied Christ.  I can't imagine how he felt to actually deny Christ right there in the flesh but I do know that many many many times I have denied Jesus and his plan for my life yet he has given me many many many chances to feed his flock. 

God is faithful even when we are not.

God I thank you that this fight, this war within myself is already won.  Lord, I believe your word, but help my unbelief.

In Jesus Name,
Amen

Dear God---May 25, 2012

Dear God,

I want to know what love is?  I want to be sure of it.  I want to know it so well that it will be unmistakable when I see it.  When I meet someone I want to be able to clearly identify it by you and your word.  God teach me what love is.  Teach me how to express it  Teach me how to recognize it.  Teach me how to receive it.  Teach me how to give it.  I have been tricked so many times.  I have been bamboozled.  Fooled.  I don't want to be tricked anymore. 
God, please don't disguise it anymore.  I hear you saying that it was never hidden I just didn't know what to look for.  What do I need to look for?  What are the signs of love?  Is there a such thing as true love?  There is no true love.  Love is true.  Love is love.  God is love. 
How can a man say he love me if he doesn't love God?  If he doesn't crave for you, yearn for you, appreciate you, and put you above all fleshly desires? 
This man that you have for me (where ever he is) God please prepare him for me.  I want him to love you soooo much.  More than anything!

This is where I am at right now.  I want to date God...lol.  He is the perfect man for me because He loves me more than I love myself.  He knows me better than anyone else.  Who can match his love?  No one, but if a man truly loves God the way I am feeling right now, our union would be boundless! 

Lord, I just want to recognize LOVE!

Amen.

What's wrong with ME?

What's wrong with me?  A question I've been asking myself now since I've entered my 5th year of singleness.  I look around at all my friends and most of them are in some type of relationship: good or bad.  I hate that I look at bad relationships as better than my situation which is NONE at all. 

The sad part is that I didn't even realize that it had been 5 years until I actually sat and thought about it.  My last relationship was with my youngest son father.  Our relationship had its good moments, but it definitely had its terrible ones.  Now, we are just parents.  Note I didn't say friends.  But when I met him I thought he was the perfect man for me.  A man that grew up in the church but wouldn't step foot in one today, not even for a funeral.  So, what does that say about me?

Well, today my first priority is not looks, bank account, car, job, house or kids.  My first thought is does this man love God and have a relationship with God.  If he has that then we can definitely go from there.  But that seems impossible to me. 

So, back to my original question: What's wrong with me?  I asked my niece that question and she said the usual "nothing" but "you don't put yourself out there anymore". 

Well, I don't go to clubs anymore.  I don't want to do the social website getting to know you thing either because I've found with the social sites (i.e Facebook, Myspace, Tagged, Black Planet) that most of the men on their just want one thing.  I say most because I did meet a guy on their a few years ago and we are still friends today.  Note I said "friends". 

So now, I'm wondering how exactly can a young single christian woman put herself out there????  Is it appropriate?  Is it possible?  I think so.  As a matter of fact isn't this what the singles ministry is for at a church?  But sadly, I've never experienced this with the singles ministry at any church.  The singles ministry usually consist of bowling events, or cookouts, or something along those lines and the group is usually entirely WOMEN!

It would be nice to have an event where the environment is set that everyone that comes knows this is a Christian setting and the purpose is for adult Christian single men and women to get together and actually get to know one another.  Is that soooo terrible?

*sigh*

Okay, so I'm getting off the subject.

Well, using my "spiritual eyes " LOL....I will attempt to answer my own question: What's wrong with me??  Nothing, I guess.  Maybe it's not time.  Maybe I have something to do and God needs me single to accomplish His goals for my life.  I don't always like this answer but I continue to ask God to give me peace with it because for me its not an easy pill to swallow.

Another Blog? Uhm...Yes!

Well, this blog will be dedicated to my relationship with God.   I really wanted a place that I can bring my thoughts to and a place where I can vent.  I really love God and I'm learning everyday to trush Him and rely on him for everything!  But this is no easy task.  Like all other relationships in my life we go through tough times, but its never because of God its either me wanting something and pouting because I cant get it or struggling through my struggles. Sometimes I am very angry with God for not giving me the one thing that I desire the most and that is to be loved.  I can honestly say that my biggest struggle however has been dealing with this thing called lonliness!  I am very fustrated with the matter.

I have often gone to God and asked him why am I alone?  There are soooooo many things that I have gone to God with crying and just worrying about, last minute bills, baby daddies, my kids, my family, cars, apartment situations, jobs, school, you name it and I have gone to God about it, and you know what?  He has taken care of those things for me.  But when it comes to this thing called LOVE.  I dont know what to say or where to begin.  Yes, Ive made plenty of mistakes.  I've fell in love with Mr Wrong, Mr. Wrong Time, Mr. Wanna Make Him Mr. Right, and Mr. Looks like Mr. Right...you name him and I have probably met him.  But like everything else in my life when I realize that I can't do anything to change the situation or rather, when I realize I am not the best "man" for the job I look to God.  So after 29 years of horrific dating I am finally ready to ask God to help me with this.

I have made a vow to not have sex with another man until I am married.  I have become "very" selective in my dating.  I dont give out my number these days.  I dont get on these dating sites anymore.  I really want to work on my relationship with God and my relationships with my kids but, I DONT WANT TO BE ALONE FOREVER!!!!!

So, now what?  Please dont look to this blog for answers because I do not have them.  But what I learn and experience I will share. 

This is something that I feel that God has led me to do so here I AM!