Define the Relationship!

Define the Relationship!

In every relationship there comes a time when you have to define the relationship...right?  Even between friends there's this pressure that comes at a certain point where you feel the need to say what we are between each other.  Sometimes the pressure doesn't come from the two most important people involved---the people in the relationship.  Sometimes the pressure comes from outside sources--friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, church members.  

When you see a man and a woman together---people just wanna know...are you dating, engaged, married, friends with benefits...what?

When your dealing with your child's father there is the large grey area.  For whatever reason, you are not together.  The reasons vary.  It could be that the two of you grew apart, you didn't get along, someone was unfaithful, whatever the case may be you both have determined that as of right now, a relationship is not for you.  However, you have this beautiful baby that constantly and continuously brings you both together.

Enter trouble?

Me and my third son's father have decided to co-parent.  I never even knew this was an option before now and to be honest it's pretty scary because we are faced with a lot of situations that we have to work through that normal single parents don't.

SO..on top of all the things we have to deal with on a daily between ourselves I'm finding that explaining what we are and who we are to each other (to everyone's satisfaction) is another thing we have to worry about.

We've talked and talked and finally came to an understanding, and everything for the most part has been fine but every time we are out together for what ever reason (we work together as well) people want to understand the dynamics of our relationship.

If I simply state that we are co-parenting that seems to not be enough for them.  They need explanations on all levels.  It's exhausting.

I won't lie and say that I'm totally happy and satisfied with the direction our relationship has gone...in fact I'll make it very clear..I'm not!  With that being said, we are where we are and I have decided to not let it break me.  One moment in my life does not define me.  I'm actually excited about where we are now and how well we both have handled this entire situation.  It could always be a lot worse!

The added pressure of explanations and definitions that I constantly have to give people sometimes feels like pouring salt on an open wound.  When people ask me where we stand in our relationship and I have to explain everything it makes me re-live the pain and heartbreak portion of our relationship.  But the pain and heartbreak is just that--a portion---of our relationship.  It does not define it.

I had to--for my sanity--make a decision to not let a moment in my life destroy my future.  And more importantly ruin the relationship my son would share with his father (been there, done that)!

SO, after much thought, prayer and discussions with my closest friends and family I have decided to tell anyone that thinks they need to know the dynamics of me and my son's father relationship to MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS!

A Day In the Life

Yesterday I was surfing the web and I ran across this cool little blog called, A Day in the Life.  There was nothing super spectacular about it.  The graphics were plain, the pictures were plain and there were no cool videos.  But I actually spent quite a bit of my surf time going through this blog where a mom simply shared with the world the mundane things she did all day.

I was intrigued and thought I'd give it a try.

So...without further delay I present to you:

A Day In The Life of Candace...

10:30 woke up.

This is somewhat my average time to wake up although my alarms (plural) ring at 6am and 7am

(another life).  I pretty much miss my older two boys waking up and getting dressed for school every morning :(.  I really hate this but with a 10 month old its to be expected at least until we get on a better sleep schedule.

I usually get up and try really really hard to at least put on some Joyce Meyer, Steve Furtick or read one of my favorite chapters in Psalms before I check my phone.  It doesn't always work out the way I want it but I try.  My phone wins this morning because I hear my calender alert and realize that I have a networking luncheon this morning...in less than an hour.

I creep out of bed because my baby boy is still asleep and get dressed as fast as possible.  I dash down the hall to my son's father (baby daddy) room---that's an entirely different story for another day---to let him know that I needed him to watch the baby for a couple of hours. He agreed and gave me a few encouraging words before I headed out the door.

11:34 I entered Grille 116 for a networking luncheon.  I was invited over two weeks ago but kept having to reschedule because of other obligations.  I was excited about going and meeting some new people.  The group was small and friendly.  I felt like I made an impression and got some great opportunities.

I felt like I could have enjoyed it a lot better but half-way through I got a terrible tooth ache.  By the time I did get into the car I could barely focus on anything else. When I got home I ran into the kitchen for the salt and water to gargle and downed two tylenol's.

I had to sleep the pain away, but when I woke up I felt much better.

2:11 I woke up from a quick cat-nap.  I fed Ronnie and started on an article that I'm working on.  Of course I couldn't finish it with a ten month old wanting my attention so I took him in his room for some "carpet time".  His Dad came in and asked if later on we could talk.  I figured it was about business since we don't just share a child and roof together we also work together and have a very good friendship.

2:27 we sat down to talk.  The conversation was not what I expected to say the least.  It was one of those conversations you have with someone and when you finish you realize how close you truly are.
I realize that as long as you keep people at a distance you can keep them from seeing the worst parts of yourself and you keep from seeing their worst parts as well.  I'm not sure how I feel about this right now because its a foreign feeling for me.

4:36 My eldest son Kenny arrives home.  He got rained on a little so he comes stumping in laughing and being his silly self.  He tells me about his day and goes to make himself a snack.  He offers to take Ronnie off my hands for a little bit but I tell him that's okay for now:)

He usually goes down the street to get his younger brother from the bus stop but it's raining today so I go instead.  I left a little late around 4:52.  Me an Ronnie sat in the car until about 5: 20 because
the bus was late.  He cried the majority of the time.  I turned the radio up and played a game on my phone until the bus arrived.

BJ, my middle son is autistic.  I still don't exactly know what that means and I don't feel like anyone does because everyone has a different definition and experience.  For me autistic means different.  For the most part BJ can do everything else that  normal 12 year old can do, we just have to communicate differently.  We chat briefly before we get out of the car about his day.  I really have to pry everything out of him.  Our conversations usually goes like this:

Hey "B" how was your day?
Fine.
What did you do today?
Well, I ate breakfast (he tells me exactly what that is)
I ate lunch ( again, he tells me exactly what that is)
I had computer time ( his favorite thing to do)
And we went home and now I'm telling you.

Okay, so did the teacher teach you anything?
Of course she did.
And what was it.
He pauses to think for a long time.  When I press him he's forgotten the question and we have to start all over again.  After the third time I finally get a little piece of what he remembers.
We talk a little further and then he has his snack

6:00 p.m. Ronnie is down for a nap, Kenny and BJ are doing afternoon chores.  I put on some music and finish up a blog post and confirm one on one meetings with people that I met today at the networking function.

I kick myself for all of the things I haven't done today like, spend time with God (that still hasn't happened).  Have I even said good morning to God or anything for that matter.  I gotta do this before I go to bed today.

I still have a whole entire list of things I need to do today and the thoughts of it all is stirring around in my head.  I realize that I got to do everything that I can while Ronnie is asleep because once he's up I can only do so much. For about 2 seconds I am suddenly filled with a lot of regrets but these thoughts fade more quickly these days because I decided I will no longer live that way.

When Ronnie wakes up from his nap I feed him squash and apples.  He eats half of it and falls out.

I start dinner at 7:42, tonight it's pork n beans, rice and fried chicken (a family favorite).  I hook my phone up to my speaker in the kitchen and pull up a message by T. D. Jakes on YouTube.  I play the first message that pops up titled: "A Breaking Point of Your Life."  This message is so on point for me I cannot believe it.  In the message he talks about how in relationships, business, careers...etc you may come to a breaking point but that's not the time to give up.  It's very encouraging and I wish I would have listened to it earlier in my day.  Maybe it would have been different.

Me and my son's father eat together and watch some Nicholas Cage movie that I don't even get to finish because Ronnie is fussy. I realize that I have an assignment due before 11 so I scarf down the rest of my dinner and fire up the lap top.

By 10:42 the dishes are done, baths are taken and clothes are out for the morning.  Everyone is in bed but me and Ronnie.  We're up watching re-runs of How I Met Your Mother.  I'm working and he's drooling, pulling my arm and laughing.  We lay down together and after about 45 minutes of him fighting it he finally falls asleep.

When I'm sure he's asleep I creep out of the bed and get me a little snack.  I watch an episode of Law & Order SVU and finish up a little blogging.  Its after 2am when I finally get into bed.

New Blog Post #babymommachronicles

Valentine's Day

For a single person Valentine's Day is one of the most dreaded holiday's!!! You may not hear a lot of single people say this but trust me it's true.  Halfway through January we start seeing splashes of red heart balloons and and chocolate hearts.  As soon as February hits, Valentine paraphanelia is every where reminding a single person just how single they truly are.  

I learned a long time ago to plan ahead.  I never wanted to be alone and bored on Valentine's Day.  It gives your mind too much time to wander into danger zones.  You may start to think back to past relationships wondering if you should have stayed in them...at least you'd have a Valentine...right?

No!!! 

Over the past years I've made sure that I had some type of dinner plans or party planned.  This ensured that I had a wonderful Valentine's Day and memories that I wasn't ashamed to share and think about later.

Well this year with a new baby, Valentine's Day wasn't the first thing on my mind. It really sneaked up on me.  That never happens!!!  But it was okay.

Valentine's Day is a day that we show love to a special person in our life.  Usually this is a boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, fiance, crush...etc.  I know people like to say family, friends, kids...but honestly we all know that this day is reserved for a special someone.

I always thought that if I didn't have this day planned out from sunrise to sunset I would allow sad feelings, and crazy thoughts to surface but it honestly wasn't like that.

The day after Valentine's Day when I had a moment to reflect I realized something.  I am loved.  I am loved by God.  It is a love so pure and true that I almost don't have words to describe it.  I am so grateful for this love and honestly I cannot imagine life without it.  

God loves me soooo much that He has forgiven and forgotten about past wrongs.  He's healed my broken spirit.  I could be bitter.  I could be sad.  But I am not.  I am quietly happy.  I'm not the shout it from the roof top, over the moon, falling in love happy.  I am peaceful, I am content, I am steady.  I am sure of His love and that's something I've never been sure about with anyone on this earth.

And for that, I am grateful.

Catching Up with Candace!

I haven't been on this blog in a minute but that's all about to change!  It's a new year (2016) and if I had to be totally honest with myself I will just admit that I might have been avoiding this blog.  It's called "Single and Saved" and for the past year or so I haven't exactly been representative of the title.

I don't ever claim to be a saint or perfect nor do I try to be.  I do however, try my best to be totally honest, at least with myself.  I can lie to a lot of people.  I can fool a lot of people.  But I cannot lie to myself and I cannot fool God.  He knows me inside and out, through and through.

For the past year I haven't exactly been honest with myself in certain areas in my life.  I've avoided dealing with some things and I paid the price for that.

In 2015 I learned some valuable lessons:

1. Life is not perfect.
2. Try to be happy and enjoy life in every situation.
3. I am a very strong person.  Not because I want to be.  Not because I strive to be.  It's just a fact.
4. I've been wrong about a lot of people and things in the past.
5. And last but certainly not least: Always keep moving forward.

So since my last blog entry I have gotten into a relationship, moved to a new city twice, gotten engaged, gotten un-engaged (lol), had a baby, and written a book. Wow!  To see it all layed out in black and white makes it even more real to me.

Needless to say, I have a whole lot of material!

I was actually going to say good-bye to this blog.  While checking out all of my blogs ( I have a total of 9--see list below) I re-read the postings on this particular one and I all of a sudden got very sad.  I remembered how when I began this journey (Single and Saved) I was just starting to be content with where I was in life which was: SINGLE.

I was enjoying life.  I decided to own Candace and everything that entailed.  I was just starting out in my 30's and re-discovering myself after another failed relationship.  So I decided to do things God's way instead of my own.  I was learning more about HIM and what HE wanted and expected from me as a single christian and also beginning to learn what it meant to be in a relationship.  No not just a man-woman relationship but any relationship.

I learned that how I handled other relationships, (family, children, business, friends...) parallel my personal relationships.  In my non-personal relationships I was selfish.  I avoided conflicts and allowed them to alienate me from the person.  I didn't really see value in myself so I never held anyone to a standard of respecting me and valuing my opinion or my feelings.  This allowed for certain situations where I would be mistreated.  But instead of confronting the situation head-on I avoided the situation and the person and eventually the relationship failed because of my lack of communication and willingness to stand up to them and for myself.

I've done a lot of (hard) growing up in the past few years.  It didn't have to be hard.  I made it that way.  I made choices that made life harder and almost unbearable.  So when I looked back at this blog and realized that if I had only stayed on this path I would be in great place right now instead of re-building...it hurt.

But, like I said I've learned a lot of valuable lessons and the greatest one of all is to " KEEP MOVING FORWARD" no matter what!

So that's what I've decided to do with this blog: Keep moving forward with it!  I have some awesome and exciting plans for this blog. Stay tuned for more details within the coming week.

Stay Blessed,

Candace

The Rewards of Living a Solitary Life by May Sarton

I ran across this poem the other day while helping a dear friend with her literature assignment.  I immediately felt connected to the words of this poem.  I felt that some of the words, I've been waiting my whole life to express but could not. Thank you May Sarton for expressing my "unexpressable" thoughts and feelings. As usual, your thoughts are always welcomed:)

The Rewards of Living a Solitary Life
by May Sarton

The other day an acquaintance of mine, a gregarious and charming man, told me he had found himself unexpectedly alone in New York for an hour or two between appointments.  He went to the Whitney and spent the "empty" time looking at things in solitary bliss.  For him it proved to be a shock nearly as great as falling in love to discover that he could enjoy himself so much alone.

What had he been afraid of, I asked myself?  That, suddenly alone, he would discover that he bored himself, or that there was, quite simply, no self there to meet?  But having taken the plunge, he is now on the brink of adventure; he is about to be launched into his own inner space, space as immense, unexplored and sometimes frightening as outer space to the astronaut.

His every perception will come to him with a new freshness and, for a time, see, startling original. For anyone who can see things for himself with a naked eye becomes, for a moment or two, something of a genius.

With another human being present vision becomes double vision, inevitably.  We are busy wondering what does my companion see or think of this, and what do I think of it?  The original impact gets lost, or diffused.

"Music I heard with you was more than music."  Exactly.  And therefore music itself can only be heard alone.  Solitude is the salt of personhood.  It brings out the authentic flavor of every experience.

"Alone one is never lonely: the spirit adventures, waking/In a quiet garden, in a cool house, abiding single there."

Loneliness is most acutely felt with other people, for with others, even with a lover sometimes, we suffer from our differences of taste, temperament, mood.  Human intercourse often demands that we soften the edge of perception, or withdraw at the very instant of personal truth for fear of hurting, or of being inappropriately present, which is to say naked, in a social situation.  Alone we can afford to be wholly whatever we are, and to feel whatever we feel absolutely.  That is a great luxury!

For me the most interesting thing about a solitary life, and mine has been that for the last twenty years, is that it becomes increasingly rewarding.  When I can wake up and watch the sun rise over the ocean, as I do most days, and I know that I have an entire day ahead, uninterrupted, in which to write a few pages, take a walk with my dog, lie down in the afternoon for a long think, (why does one think better in a horizontal position?), read and listen to music, I am flooded with happiness.

I am lonely only when I am overtired, when  I have worked too long without a break, when for the time being I feel empty and need filling up.  And I am lonely sometimes when I come back home after a lecture trip, when I have seen a lot of people and talked a lot, and am full to the brim with experience that needs to be sorted out.

Then for a little while the house feels huge and empty, and I wonder where my self is hiding.  It has to be recaptured slowly by watering the plants, perhaps, and looking again at each one as though it were a person, by feeding the two cats, by cooking a meal.

It takes awhile, as I watch the surf blowing up in fountains at the end of the field, but the moment comes when the world falls away, and the self emerges again from the deep unconscious, bringing back all I have recently experienced to be explored and slowly understood, when I can converse again with my own hidden powers, and so grow, and so be renewed, till death do us part.

Contentment

I had a friend who is in a relationship tell me that she misses "the single life"understandable. She said to me, "you're single and you seem to be happy".  Well happiness is not quite the word I would have used. Its more like content.

Phillipians 4:11

Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have.



I thank God for the peace that passes all understanding. It doesn't look like I should be this happy to be where I am but God has given me a contentment with where I am in life.