Candace vs. Candace

"The War Within"



I feel as though I am at war with myself.  The old Candace vs. the re-newed Candace.  I know that God is here with my.  I know that He will never leave me or forsake me.  But the old Candace, doubting, unsure, insecure Candace is still present.  I don't even know if its possible to ever be rid of her.  The old Candace allows loneliness and self-pity take hold in the night.  During the day I can occupy my mind with projects, kids, whatever, its nights that's the hardest to deal with. 

I don't always win this war that I fight daily with myself.  In fact most days I lose, but I still feel like more than a conqueror because no matter how much I want to give up, I feel like that isn't even an option.



So, God I hear you even now telling me that "the battle is not mine, but yours" so even tonight and nights to come I will stand on your word.  I will allow you and your holy spirit to fight my battles because I cannot do it alone.

I am reminded of Peter and how he denied Christ.  I can't imagine how he felt to actually deny Christ right there in the flesh but I do know that many many many times I have denied Jesus and his plan for my life yet he has given me many many many chances to feed his flock. 

God is faithful even when we are not.

God I thank you that this fight, this war within myself is already won.  Lord, I believe your word, but help my unbelief.

In Jesus Name,
Amen

Dear God---May 25, 2012

Dear God,

I want to know what love is?  I want to be sure of it.  I want to know it so well that it will be unmistakable when I see it.  When I meet someone I want to be able to clearly identify it by you and your word.  God teach me what love is.  Teach me how to express it  Teach me how to recognize it.  Teach me how to receive it.  Teach me how to give it.  I have been tricked so many times.  I have been bamboozled.  Fooled.  I don't want to be tricked anymore. 
God, please don't disguise it anymore.  I hear you saying that it was never hidden I just didn't know what to look for.  What do I need to look for?  What are the signs of love?  Is there a such thing as true love?  There is no true love.  Love is true.  Love is love.  God is love. 
How can a man say he love me if he doesn't love God?  If he doesn't crave for you, yearn for you, appreciate you, and put you above all fleshly desires? 
This man that you have for me (where ever he is) God please prepare him for me.  I want him to love you soooo much.  More than anything!

This is where I am at right now.  I want to date God...lol.  He is the perfect man for me because He loves me more than I love myself.  He knows me better than anyone else.  Who can match his love?  No one, but if a man truly loves God the way I am feeling right now, our union would be boundless! 

Lord, I just want to recognize LOVE!

Amen.

What's wrong with ME?

What's wrong with me?  A question I've been asking myself now since I've entered my 5th year of singleness.  I look around at all my friends and most of them are in some type of relationship: good or bad.  I hate that I look at bad relationships as better than my situation which is NONE at all. 

The sad part is that I didn't even realize that it had been 5 years until I actually sat and thought about it.  My last relationship was with my youngest son father.  Our relationship had its good moments, but it definitely had its terrible ones.  Now, we are just parents.  Note I didn't say friends.  But when I met him I thought he was the perfect man for me.  A man that grew up in the church but wouldn't step foot in one today, not even for a funeral.  So, what does that say about me?

Well, today my first priority is not looks, bank account, car, job, house or kids.  My first thought is does this man love God and have a relationship with God.  If he has that then we can definitely go from there.  But that seems impossible to me. 

So, back to my original question: What's wrong with me?  I asked my niece that question and she said the usual "nothing" but "you don't put yourself out there anymore". 

Well, I don't go to clubs anymore.  I don't want to do the social website getting to know you thing either because I've found with the social sites (i.e Facebook, Myspace, Tagged, Black Planet) that most of the men on their just want one thing.  I say most because I did meet a guy on their a few years ago and we are still friends today.  Note I said "friends". 

So now, I'm wondering how exactly can a young single christian woman put herself out there????  Is it appropriate?  Is it possible?  I think so.  As a matter of fact isn't this what the singles ministry is for at a church?  But sadly, I've never experienced this with the singles ministry at any church.  The singles ministry usually consist of bowling events, or cookouts, or something along those lines and the group is usually entirely WOMEN!

It would be nice to have an event where the environment is set that everyone that comes knows this is a Christian setting and the purpose is for adult Christian single men and women to get together and actually get to know one another.  Is that soooo terrible?

*sigh*

Okay, so I'm getting off the subject.

Well, using my "spiritual eyes " LOL....I will attempt to answer my own question: What's wrong with me??  Nothing, I guess.  Maybe it's not time.  Maybe I have something to do and God needs me single to accomplish His goals for my life.  I don't always like this answer but I continue to ask God to give me peace with it because for me its not an easy pill to swallow.

Another Blog? Uhm...Yes!

Well, this blog will be dedicated to my relationship with God.   I really wanted a place that I can bring my thoughts to and a place where I can vent.  I really love God and I'm learning everyday to trush Him and rely on him for everything!  But this is no easy task.  Like all other relationships in my life we go through tough times, but its never because of God its either me wanting something and pouting because I cant get it or struggling through my struggles. Sometimes I am very angry with God for not giving me the one thing that I desire the most and that is to be loved.  I can honestly say that my biggest struggle however has been dealing with this thing called lonliness!  I am very fustrated with the matter.

I have often gone to God and asked him why am I alone?  There are soooooo many things that I have gone to God with crying and just worrying about, last minute bills, baby daddies, my kids, my family, cars, apartment situations, jobs, school, you name it and I have gone to God about it, and you know what?  He has taken care of those things for me.  But when it comes to this thing called LOVE.  I dont know what to say or where to begin.  Yes, Ive made plenty of mistakes.  I've fell in love with Mr Wrong, Mr. Wrong Time, Mr. Wanna Make Him Mr. Right, and Mr. Looks like Mr. Right...you name him and I have probably met him.  But like everything else in my life when I realize that I can't do anything to change the situation or rather, when I realize I am not the best "man" for the job I look to God.  So after 29 years of horrific dating I am finally ready to ask God to help me with this.

I have made a vow to not have sex with another man until I am married.  I have become "very" selective in my dating.  I dont give out my number these days.  I dont get on these dating sites anymore.  I really want to work on my relationship with God and my relationships with my kids but, I DONT WANT TO BE ALONE FOREVER!!!!!

So, now what?  Please dont look to this blog for answers because I do not have them.  But what I learn and experience I will share. 

This is something that I feel that God has led me to do so here I AM!